Posts tagged food

This is probably the first time I’m to really admit this at all. 

I think I’m going through recovery. For everything. 

I’m on anti-depressants and going back to counselling soon. It’s been a long time since I last self harmed. It’s been over a year since I last attempted suicide. I’m trying to eat more healthily for myself. I’m going to get back into exercise when college starts back up. I feel like it’s time. Time to end this chapter, this 4-year-long chapter of my life. I want to experience things, I’m nearly out of education, I’ll hopefully soon be working and earning money and saving up to travel and take photos and create art. And live.

And I’ve met this wonderful guy who makes me feel beautiful. Even if we don’t work out, I would love to keep him in my life, because he’s the beginning of me feeling good about myself. I wasn’t asking to be saved, because I know that’s not how it works. But I took my first steps literally days before I met him. And he makes me feel good enough to carry on. And my relationship with my mum is better than ever. I still have problems on occasion with my grandparents but things are good, really. 

I think I’m ready to set myself free of this cage. 

I owe you guys another apology. 

Again, I’ve been avoiding this tumblr because I couldn’t control my eating. I’ve come back because yesterday was the first sign that my eating is getting under control. I’m also planning on going back to the gym, I only stopped going because I’ve got a dodgy knee, but now I have some stretches to help make it better, and then the weights I do should help strengthen my joints. I’m also going to limit my dairy intake because my sinuses are a bit blocked.

So I’m currently sat watching the Biggest Loser, drinking a cup of peppermint tea. And I am about to get up and do my leg stretches for the day and grab my mini stepper machine. 

I haven’t had laxatives in a while, but my body is so fucked up, it only takes any food to make it have that effect. But today I’m pretty bloated after nearly 4 slices of toast, with spicy baked beans and philidelphia spread. 

And a lot of juice. Blergh. I feel rough. 

• If you really knew me; you would know my full real name, and how much I hate my last name. My first name means ‘friend’ and it’s a french spelling. My middle name is my mothers first name. And my last name is still my fathers surname. I want to legally change my surname.
• If you really knew me; you’d know I have a terrible relationship with my dad. My parents divorced when I was 3, I don’t remember what it’s like to have parents who’re happy together. I haven’t seen my dad since Christmas 2010. I refuse to reply to text messages, Facebook posts and phone calls. My father betrayed me at the end of last summer when I was to perform on a famous stage in London, England. He knew I was going to perform there, but decided to get married to his girlfriend of 1 year on that day. That’s the day I decided I had no father.
• If you really knew me; you’d know that I’ve been bullied all my life. For being fat, stupid, ugly. The lot. The past 3 years I’ve been struggling with a lot of undiagnosed mental issues. I did go for help about a year and a half ago. The best they did was give me sleeping pills and tell me I was fine. If you really knew me, you’d know that I struggle with things like depression, eating problems, borderline personality, hallucinations, self harm and suicidal tendencies. I’ve tried to commit suicide around 7 times in 3 years. 
• If you really knew me; you’d know that I have trust issues. I’ve been told they come from issues with my dad leaving and not being a decent father. I also think it’s to do with my ex boyfriend, who got my trust and then crushed me. Now I believe that all of my friends will eventually leave me. And normally they do. 
• If you really knew me; you’d know I don’t go a day with out hating myself, or imagining suicide. Even my closest friends who supposedly know have already forgotten. No one sees through my big fake smiles. You’d know I feel all alone everyday. You’d know I hate getting up in the morning. You’d know that I can’t tell if I’m numb or if I want to cry. 
• If you really knew me; You ‘d know I love art. All kinds of art. I love drawing, writing, music, singing, dancing, acting, shows, comedy, photography, painting. Everything. You’d know I want to be a writer. Of books, cartoons, TV shows, films. You’d know that I don’t think I will reach any of my dreams, because I can’t leave this fucking place. You’d know I want to travel forever. Be a runaway. Be free.

About to list the food I’ve eaten before I go out later.

-a mouthful of the most disgusting salad ever. I don’t think they washed the pesticides off it.

-a slice of quiche.

-small portion of veggie pasta with a cheese sauce.

-2 lattes.

Nothing else, because I don’t like eating before I get drunk. :)

I also had 

2 cartons of lacto free milk

another yogurt

and my 2 slice bred, philidelphia, grated cheese and veggie meatball sandwich 

(I had a feeling the sandwich was a better idea, as I had a feeling I was going to binge.)

I hope I didn’t gain D:

I’m so fucking repetitive.

Today:

-a slice of brown bread with philidelphia

-5 minstrals

-10 chips with ketchup

-half a can of beer

-Juice

-a coconut yogurt

I feel fat.

I think my mum might notice that I’m not really eating soon. So I’m gonna have to start pretending to eat… Which is sooo much effort…

I hope what I’ve eaten won’t make me gain… 

2 and a bit roast potatoes. 

a couple of table spoons (ish) of some kind of tofu/quorn in vegetarian gravy.

a carton of orange juice. 

half a carton of lacto free milk.

:/ I’m bloated.

5 pomme bears. No more. No more food. 

Juts apple juice and green tea.