Posts tagged kodi

This is probably the first time I’m to really admit this at all. 

I think I’m going through recovery. For everything. 

I’m on anti-depressants and going back to counselling soon. It’s been a long time since I last self harmed. It’s been over a year since I last attempted suicide. I’m trying to eat more healthily for myself. I’m going to get back into exercise when college starts back up. I feel like it’s time. Time to end this chapter, this 4-year-long chapter of my life. I want to experience things, I’m nearly out of education, I’ll hopefully soon be working and earning money and saving up to travel and take photos and create art. And live.

And I’ve met this wonderful guy who makes me feel beautiful. Even if we don’t work out, I would love to keep him in my life, because he’s the beginning of me feeling good about myself. I wasn’t asking to be saved, because I know that’s not how it works. But I took my first steps literally days before I met him. And he makes me feel good enough to carry on. And my relationship with my mum is better than ever. I still have problems on occasion with my grandparents but things are good, really. 

I think I’m ready to set myself free of this cage. 

Okay, that party I was invited to last minute. Was filled with punks and rockers. Oh my God. I did’t even drink that much, but I had fun. I didn’t feel judged, they found me funny, and I had actual conversations with these people. I would willingly hang out with them again. Specially seeing as I’ve been wanting a load of new friends for the past few months. 

Plus… I pulled. 

Oh Kodi, when will you learn? He was super nice, and I’m seeing him on Tuesday… But I just hope he doesn’t expect a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p.

Coz, you know, it’s me. 

I think the main reason why I’ve kept my nails long after growing them is so I can scratch myself when I get frustrated. Self-harm under cover.

I owe you guys another apology. 

Again, I’ve been avoiding this tumblr because I couldn’t control my eating. I’ve come back because yesterday was the first sign that my eating is getting under control. I’m also planning on going back to the gym, I only stopped going because I’ve got a dodgy knee, but now I have some stretches to help make it better, and then the weights I do should help strengthen my joints. I’m also going to limit my dairy intake because my sinuses are a bit blocked.

So I’m currently sat watching the Biggest Loser, drinking a cup of peppermint tea. And I am about to get up and do my leg stretches for the day and grab my mini stepper machine. 

I’m sorry I’ve been away longer than I was planning. I just couldn’t come back. I’ve gained up to 156.6 lbs (not loads but too much for me) and I’ve just watched the pilot episode of ‘My Mad Fat Diary’ based and made in England. About a girl who’s just come out a mental hospital, is 16 years old and 16 and a half stone (231 lbs). I actually really enjoyed it, though I thought the adverts were shit. But it made me not want to eat ever again. Not because of how she looked, but from the things that happened. Her ‘friend’ set of a fire alarm in a shop when she was trying on a bikini top. She had to leave the shop in this bikini top and her jeans. Everyone pointed and laughed and stared and I felt sick watching it. 

I’ve lost some control. But I’m getting it back.